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at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, big changes for texas. their 10-gallon hats are now 38-liters. [laughter] then, can our drone program win the war on terror? yes, if you go up, up, down down, b, a, b, a, select. [laughter] and my guest, physicist michio kaku believes an asteroid could destroy the earth. global warming, solved. [laughter] ice land is considering a ban on internet porn. now there's nothing to do in iceland. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please sit down. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you, everyone in here welcome to the program. dominus vobiscum. folks, as the cardinal of cable, i'm giving you nave to narthex coverage of pope benedict's resignation in my new series "popewatch: inde-schism 2013." [cheers
climate change. [laughter] then, hollywood takes on gun safety. and yet they ignore how many younglings are cut down by light sabers. [laughter] and my guest, roger hodge, is editor of the oxford american magazine, which has been called the "new yorker of the south." the dogs in their cartoons don't go to psychiatrists, they go to shooting ranges. [laughter] ted nugent will attend the state of the union tonight. or as deer call it, the greatest night of their lives. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] come on! [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. , ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. welcome to the broadcast. [cheers and applause] thank you so much for your love and support. you know i can't do this show without you. this show is for you. this show is to look out for what is coming in your life. [cheers and applause] and, folks, tonight i got your back, folks. as you know, tonight tonight barack-hussein obama gets to give his annual "look at me, i'
favors it. his reason, his son had told him he was gay. >> stephen: he changed his mind because he has a gay son which is not just wrong but it's undemocratic. because his other two children are straight. what happened to majority rule? [laughter] [cheers and applause] portman's just the latest victim of the long gay con. here's how the scam works. first, a gay person decides to get born into a conservative family, gains their trust by letting them love and raise them, and then 21 short years later-- boom!-- they spring the gay trap. [laughter] that's what happened to dick cheney. his daughter mary changed his mind about gay marriage by tugging on his heartstrings. now, thankfully, some republicans are holding fast, like georgia senator and noise bill cosby makes when he gets out of a chair saxby chambliss. [laughter] when asked whether rob portman's flip flop had changed his mind, chambliss replied, "i'm not gay. so i'm not going to marry one." [laughter] suck on that , gays. saxby chambliss isn't going to marry you. ergo you don't get to marry anyone. [laughter] it's the same reason,
stop every year by the way. waiting for that pivotal moment when the smoke changes color. >> we have smoke. it appears -- it appears gray. it's whitish. >> the smoke is white and it appears we have a new pope. >> breaking news, the world's 1.2 billion roman catholics have a new pope. >> we have a new pope. >> stephen: yes, we have a new pope, me and the reverend al sharpton. see you at mass on sunday, al. [ laughter ] the point is: the lord hath smokein. habeas this guy-em. cardinal jorge bergoglio of argentina or as he will be known pope francis. the first pope named for st. francis of assisi, one of the most beloved of all time. that's a ballsy move, it's like going with the name pope kitten falling asleep. [laughter] pope franky has waste nod time. our pope now no longer looks like he is out to crush the rebel alliance. [cheers and applause] but as much -- [cheers and applause] -- as much as i like the new pontiff, i may he may be going too faf with his message of pope and change. [laughter] >> setting a tone for a humbler, simpler paip cinch he dreams of a church on the side of
it will change the way you think about the plane'arium. so bring the whole family to the planetarium for a night of excitement and wonder. then we turned the dial, and kenny went into a hypnosis. that's a pretty farfetched story, boys. but it's true, dude! are you boys sure you're not just making this all up? yeah. pretty sure. well, just as soon as i handle all the other crime in south park, i'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so i can prove that nothing's wrong! what other crime in south park? oh, yeah. let's go. okay. let's shoot the commercial. where's our cheesy poof talent? i'm over here! oh, you look great, hon. mommy's fat little piggy. hey! let's hurry. this costume is hot. okay. roll camera. and...action! ♪ i love cheesy poofs -- oh, wait! wait! you've got a little eye booger, hon. aw, mom! for pete's sake! got it! and...action! ♪ i love cheesy poofs -- hold it! cut! can we get some more light on that backdrop? sure thing. oh, man, come on. got it. okay. here we go. and...action. ♪ i love cheesy poofs, you love cheesy -- ♪ cut! what? i'm not liking the shoes. can we change
't change my opinion. no matter what anybody says, i love drones. [ laughter ] do you hear that drones? stephen loves you! [cheers and applause] stephen, loves drones, drones, with pretty face drones. nation, you know when i take to the airwaves i expect the entire world to be listening and i mean the entire world. would it kill you to get hulu plus people of rainforest? [laughter] but i have a special interest in north koreans who i assume are watching on their television sets. this week los koreans del norte threated to use a missile on the u.s. and you know they mean business they wiped east and west korea off the map. [ applause ] i also clap when i'm terrified. with tensions rising america had no choice but to send their top negotiator dennis rodman for some basketball diplomacy. after all it worked at the conference with stalin. he backed down pretty quick after getting tomahawk dunked on by fdr. [laughter] we learned it failed. >> breaking this morning north korea vows to launch a nuclear strike against the united states. >> the war of words escalating. >> north korea threatenin
: not anymore. [laughter] okay, i've already filed paperwork to legally change it. >> so my legal name is halls mentholyptus? >> stephen: well, technically, it's halls mentholyptus with triple soothing action presents jay the intern. [laughter] >> does this mean i get paid now? >> stephen: absolutely-- you're getting paid in an intense, upward cooling of the nasal passages that you can feel when you take a breath. >> do i get health care? >> stephen: what do you think this is? that's right. [cheers and applause] okay. now say it. >> i don't want to. >> stephen: say it! >> let the cool in. [laughter] >> stephen: what's that, halls? >> let the cool in. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah, let it in. [laughter] that wasn't so hard, was it? halls mentholyptus with triple soothing action presents jay the intern, everbody! [cheers and applause] folks, we're still fighting the war on terror-- by the way, naming rights still available. call me velveeta. [laughter] and the war on terror just turned 12 years old, which explains why it's so into controlled planes. [laughter] -- into remote controlled planes. [ la
, fascinating. [ laughter ] >> i don't think i've changed. >> stephen: you think you are just as fascinating as you were before. wow, you think pretty high of yourself, man. [cheers and applause] because i don't want to ask you any more questions. i just want to talk to you for a second. >> i want to have another tolken showdown. >> stephen: i smoked you like a ham last time. >> you just head sitd more emphatically. >> stephen: you ask me one i'll ask you one. >> i've been rereading lately. name me just two, two of the valar. >> stephen: do you want the valar of water omo or the hunter of the valararomea or the lord of the hairs or his wife varga called elvris about it elfs. >> all right. >> stephen: you come into my house! you come into my house! how dare you. james franco.
we'll heart case. >> but they could still change their mind. if that happened the lower court ruling would stand there and would be gay marriage in california. >> stephen: if they say we're not going to hear it it's de facto go gaiety up. technically, legal technically. >> technically. >> stephen: there's another gay marriage case unnaturally joined at the prop 8. it's called domea. defense of marriage act. what does that say? >> the part of it contested defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman for purposing of giving out federal benefits. >> stephen: what is going to happen there? >> the lower court struck down that part of the defense of marriage act in states that recognized gay marriage as legal they said the federal government had to follow the state's definition of marriage because traditionally we give states more say over marriage laws. >> stephen: does it look like it's going to get struck down or upheld? >> it looks like doma is going down. >> stephen: if it looks like doma is going down and probably they'll punt on prop 8 that means marriage would be legal in cal
changes. [laughter] but, foarkzage think the know why the sequester is not working because juz doesn't effect congress. the salaries of senators and representatives do not get cut. [audience oohs] it's like a lone shark saying if you don't pay up he's going to break your neighbor's legs. no skin off their nose. also, he is taking your neighbor's nose but that doesn't mean it was a bad idea. remember, the government that governs best is one that forces itself to either make tough zoirgses suffer unimagineibly horrible consequences. i believe it was jefferson who said that or jigsaw. therefore, to prevent the next crisis we need a worst scenario. i say we social security spend a -- suspend a monkey above the floor of congress, an ebola monkey and then smear each member of congress with monkey meat and bananas. if they don't reach a deal by the deadline the ropes are cut, [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is president obama's former speechwriter. he left to spend more time writing for his family. please welcome jon favreau. [cheers and applause]
in favor of gay marriage now. >> when he signed it, it wasn't a big deal. now it's a big deal. he changes. you know, i'm sorry. bill clinton -- you're a phony, bill clinton. you're a phony. >> stephen: yeah, what a phony. but bill o'reilly's no phony, and that's what's shaken me to my core. [laughter] 'cuz if bill o'reilly is now pro-gay marriage, and isn't a flip-flopper like bill clinton, then back when he said gay marriage was like marrying a goat, he was really telling us that he's pro-goat marriage. [laughter] goat, this is bill. [laughter] goat. now, before any of you judge the [laughter] [cheers and applause] i know this shocking but before any of you judge the o'reillys -- i, too, used to condemn man-goat love -- the love that dare not "mehhh" it's name -- but, like so many americans, i now know someone who bypassed match.com and went straight to the petting zoo. [laughter] and please don't reduce this to just a sexual relationship. don't make this ugly. though i'm sure they do have sex. and i bet it's pretty ugly. [laughter] but that's just a small thread in the rich tapestry of
. >> sorry. but you are not a bully because you could change. and also because we're here obviously it's our choice to be here. >> stephen: it is your choice. it's sometimes like the nerd's fault. >> no. >> thank you so much. emily bazelon, "sticks and stones." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] thank you, em
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 52 (some duplicates have been removed)

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